Thursday, August 19, 2010

Back in Black (& Blue)

Enough is enough and it’s time for a change! Man, Owen Hart was a prophet. I apologize for my absence over the summer from posting at Vintage, I was busy riding the love train with the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, the dream turned into a nightmare as the love train crashed into the roadblock of reality. With plenty of time and anger to spare, I’m returning to the “House that Zazzy Built” with piss and vinegar. Poor Aizaz, he’s endured a summer full of lousy wrestling, asinine retro angles, and mundane predictability. Although Aizaz usually plays “bad cop,” I’m pulling a Will Ferrell and playing “badder cop.” Don’t blame me, blame a broken heart.

TNA: Time Never Advances! For a company supposed to be the alternative to WWE as well as the fountain for youth, the IMPACT Zone features stale 80’s and 90’s “stars” in rehashed storylines and feuds. 2010, the start of a NEW decade, has showcased Hogan vs. Flair, the Nasty Boys, Hall & Nash in another piss-poor reincarnation of the NWO, and most recently an ECW reunion show. Where is the innovative X-Division? Where did the talented Knockouts go? Why aren’t Styles, Joe, Dinero, Beer Money, and Lethal the top main eventers yet? I’ve supported TNA since Goldilocks was smitten with Erik Watts and Ron “The Truth” Killings was NWA Champion; however, my support has been eye poked, low blowed, and spray painted “FOOL” for 8 years. TNA will lose another hardcore fan soon unless they make the vital change for the resurrection of their company. Here is my rundown of changes to fix what is broken:

Fire Vince Russo: Everyone that has a voice has echoed this mantra but Dixie Carter refuses to listen. His “Crash TV” style doesn’t work anymore and most people will argue that it never did. Russo doesn’t showcase the championships with prestige, drowns the TV shows with too much substance, and develops angles based on surprise rather than logic. Professional wrestling, NOT sports entertainment, is the suspension of belief that two athletes are fighting to be declared the winner. In order to infiltrate the imagination of viewers, logic must exist in order for pro wrestling to be accepted not only mentally but also emotionally. Russo is a magician; however, I wish he was Teller rather than Penn.

New Creative Management: Hire Paul Heyman, Jim Cornette, Gabe Sapolsky, or any wrestling journalist that loyally watches IMPACT despite the mass of confusion. Apparently, Heyman wants full control ala Dana White in order to work for TNA. Hey Dixie, psssss, DO IT! You have nothing left to lose and everything to gain by allowing the mastermind of ECW, Smackdown’s Golden Year, and the promotion of Brock Lesnar to run roughshod over your company. Cornette may threaten to kill Russo, so hire him as a way to avoid “future endeavoring” Vinny Ru. I’m sure the “Louisville Lip” wouldn’t mind dusting off the old tennis racket, turning that sumbitch sideways, and sticking it straight up his Bronx candy ass! Gabe Sapolsky guided Ring of Honor to the promise land as the premier independent promotion in the United States. His resume speaks volumes and his passion for creatively entertaining wrestling fans through dramatic athletic competitions should leave TNA diehards salivating.

Break the Glass Ceiling: RVD is one of my favorite wrestlers and he’s a great champion, yet he should not be the face of the promotion that features AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Jay Lethal. By stripping the TNA Championship from RVD due to injury, TNA screwed up another opportunity at creating a star whose title win over the “Whole F’N Show” would have made a career. Utilizing Ric Flair in the managerial role for the Fortune group is a great start, but TNA needs to push Kazarian, Styles, Desmond, and Beer Money into the top tier now. The most effective way of creating new stars is by having the veterans put the new stars over. Therefore, Jarrett should be wrestling Styles, Joe should be squashing Sting, Nash should submit to Abyss, Generation Me should slam Team 3D through tables, etc. Build the foundation for a TNA Hall of Fame today!

Get Views for Pay-Per-Views: TNA PPV buyrates are harder to find than blood on an episode of RAW. Why? Because TNA is embarrassed by their miniscule numbers! Fans aren’t buying PPVs for a plethora of reasons. Why pay for matches that you will see for FREE within a week or two? What is the point in investing your time and money for a show that will disappoint? Why pay at all? It’s just wrestling! TNA needs to solve these important issues by focusing their TV shows to promote the potentially money making PPVs. Save announcements, crazy angles, and stipulations for PPV. Kurt Angle’s quest for #1 in the Top Ten Rankings should be scheduled for PPVs, especially considering the ridiculous retirement stipulation if he loses. The TNA Championship should NEVER change hands on TV. PPVs are supposed to be special, so make them special!

I planned on ripping WWE into shreds as well, but the rage never changed the course. I will be posting again on Sunday with venom against McMahonland. Then I will be enjoying some comedy following last Sunday’s Roast of The Hoff. It was one of my favorites but Hogan sucked big time. Actually, he was the target for just about every comedian which led me to wonder what a wrestling roast would be like…Not the but more mainstream performers being roasted by past acquaintances and contemporaries.

Who would YOU want to see ROASTED? Send your suggestions along with the roasters to or leave them in the comments section.

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