Sunday, June 13, 2010

Slammiversary Preview

Tonight TNA presents its 8th annual version of WrestleMania: Slammiversary. I love the name, it's refreshing to see a wrestling PPV name that is actually connected to wrestling. Despite the NXT Invasion and subsequent firing of Bryan Danielson capturing the buzz of the wrestling world, Dixie Carter & Friends have promised "a nice, changing the TNA landscape surprise" for tonight. What could it be? Let's cross the line...

Brother Ray vs. Jesse Neal
I can't remember a PPV match that has less appeal than this one. Possibly Richards vs. Tomko from Unforgiven 04. So Brother Ray feels disrepected from the guy he trained; therefore, he'll beat some respect into him. Jesse Neal went from soldier to tatooed punk and still does nothing for me. I've already given too much thought to this irrelevant matchup.
Winner: Brother Ray

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: DROZ RETURNS TO WRESTLING!

TNA Knockouts Championship: Madison Rayne vs. Roxxi
Any member of The Beautiful People makes my heart beat quicker than the Energizer Bunny so this should be a blast. Roxxi is a talented wrestler and this is her return to TNA PPV. I expect good wrestling, tittilating entertainment, and moaning from Aizaz' house.
Winner: and STILL Champion Madison Rayne

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: MICKIE JAMES RETURNS TO WRESTLING!

X-Division Championship: Douglas Williams vs. Brian Kendrick
The man screwed by a natural disaster vs. the man screwed by all wrestling management. Williams adds credibility to the X-Division Championship in addition to a submission-mat based dimension to the typical high-flying, no limits style. Kendrick is my boy though. I've been clamoring for some praise toward the former Spanky, and tonight dreams will come true. This match will be the greatest thing since Sliced Bread #2.
Winner: NEW CHAMPION Brian Kendrick

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: PAUL LONDON RETURNS TO WRESTLING!

Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez
Business is about to pick up. Storyline features former Tag Team Champions splitting up after Morgan sidelined Hernandez for months. While Morgan was parading around TNA as a single TAG TEAM CHAMPION, Hernandez was getting toned for an explosive return. Simple and effective = monayyy. Who isn't salivating at the chance to finally watch Morgan get his cocky ass destroyed by SuperMex? Hernandez will maul Morgan and continue his return march to a TNA Title shot.
Winner: Hernandez

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: THE MEXICOOLS ARE TAKING OVER!

Monster's Ball: Desmond Wolfe vs. Abyss w/ Chelsea
So the Monster Abyss has won the services of Chelsea but Desmond is seeking retribution. I'm not really interested in this feud because Abyss is a bumbling fool and Wolfe should be main eventing against the World Champion. Chelsea is gorgeous though. I expect thumbstacks, glass, blood, falling off the stage, and 3 broken tables.
Winner: Desmond Wolfe

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: MONTY BROWN RETURNS TO POUUUUUNCE!

Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson vs. Beer Money Inc.
The only tag team match on the show...WOW! Atleast Beer Money is in it. So Mr. Anderson rapidly turns face after gaining months of momentum as a legit heel and now he teams with last month's enemy. TNA is legit Total Nonstop Action: No patience for anything. Anderson should have been turned 6 months, maybe a year from now. My other complaint is "Anderson's Assholes": Why do people enjoy this? I don't want to be called an asshole; a Hulkamaniac sure, a Creature of the Night perhaps, hell I'll even take a TESTicle! But no sir, I refuse to cheer a man who labels me an asshole. He screws Hardy for the swerve by the way.
Winners: Beer Money

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: MR. ANDERSON SWERVES BACK TO FACE AFTER TURNING HEEL IN MATCH!

A.J. Styles vs. Jay Lethal
2nd guaranteed great match. If you thought Lethal was entertaining as Black Machismo, you'll be mesmerized by his perfect Flair impression. Fuck Rich Little and Frank Caliendo, Jay Lethal is the man! A.J. has become Flair's old news which is a shame because they shared great chemistry. No matter the convulted storyline or gimmick, these two wrestlers can flat out steal the show.
Winner: Jay Lethal

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: REID FLAIR DEBUTS!

Kurt Angle vs. Kazarian
Match of the Night. Kurt Angle is the greatest wrestler of the millenium and don't you forget it. Kazarian left WWE because he refused to shave his head. And he hasn't forgot it.
Winner: Kurt Angle

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: ERIC ANGLE RETURNS TO WRESTLING!

TNA World Heavyweight Championship: RVD vs. Sting
Sting is injured! This is ludicrous! This isn't WWE where an injured Randy Orton is taking unnecessary bumps! RVD better dispose of the Stinger or else I hop off the TNA bandwagon.
Winner: and STILL Champion RVD

POTENTIAL DIXIE SURPRISE: DON WEST HAS NO MORE DAILY DEALS!

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