Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Investigating The Undertaker's "Vegetative" State: A List of Suspects

Time to make a full disclosure; I haven't been updating the wrestling portion of the site, as much as I used to, because the product itself is not good. I know ratings have gone up recently (they came down after this Monday) because of the NXT or Nexus Invasion angle, but I really can't get excited for an angle like that after the completely unjust firing of Brian Danielson. With the exception of that particular angle, it's been a pretty boring month for the WWE, and that's reflected in my coverage of it.

Also from a more pragmatic standpoint, the wrestling articles on Vintage Blogs! don't get as many views as the articles relating to Game of Thrones. Consequently, I have had to adjust my priorities a bit when it comes to coverage of wrestling on this blog. I will keep on posting articles on wrestling, but if the Game of Thrones articles keep on getting better numbers then I need to concentrate more on them. It's just being pragmatic, because ultimately I want my blog to be as successful as possible. If you are a fan, then you can help improve the numbers by suggesting it someone else who might enjoy Vintage Blogs!

Investigating The Undertaker's "Vegetative" State: A List of Suspects
Enough of that, now it's time to move on why you people came to read this in the first place some: good ole' wrasssssssling. Though, I haven't been putting up Smackdown reviews regularly, I still do watch the show and I have been closely watching this Undertaker Vegetative Storyline pretty closely since it makes Kane relevant again and they have done a nice job of running the storyline parallel to the World Heavyweight Championship picture. However, while following this, I was struck by the fact that Kane was the chief investigator.

If you been following wrestling for a while (like me) or just like watching old wrestling then you should understand why I'm so hesitant in believing Kane's sincerity towards finding the perpetrator behind Undertaker's current predicament. If you aren't familiar then as you watch this, I hope you keep in mind that this is the same Kane that fought Taker in an Inferno Match, and was dead set on burning him... alive. If that wasn't enough, recall when he tried burying him alive..... then totally mocked Taker in the eulogy he delivered.

Looking at Kane's dubious history with the Deadman, he doesn't seem like the best candidate to get to bottom of this mystery, which is why we (that means I, since John is probably sitting in some jail cell charged with statutory rape) at Vintage Blogs have taken it upon ourselves to investigate what exactly happened to The Phenom. In preparation for this investigation, I have done diligent research (I have Watched the Wire, and several others TV shows that highlight investigative skills, I have gone through countless Youtube videos, and read several Wikipedia pages in our investigation, I have even heard 580th hand accounts which includes the guy selling Water Ice, for $4.50, at the Wachovia Center). I believe that makes me more qualified than Kane or the FIC to conduct the investigation of just who was behind the heinous attack on The Undertaker

Suspect - Michelle McCool
The Case For Her - Clearly, this disturbing act was carried out by someone close to the Deadman, and who is closer to him than the whore err Diva he is currently banging. Need more proof? Just look at the lyrics of her theme song

"You're not enough for me. (Oh no no) Just another man in love with me. (Just another man, ooh) Gotta open up your eyes and see. (hey hey, Oh well) You're not enough for me. (oh no)"

Poor Taker, he was never able to open up his and eyes and see that this harlot needed more. than one man. One has to wonder about the nature of her mentor relationship with Kaval. If Taker wasn't enough for her, did she find solace in the arms of the artist formerly known as Senshi. Did she recruit him into her plot? Behind that smile lies a devious mind (How else would she be employed even after stealing every others wrestlers' moves) and we wouldn't put it past her to put The Deadman out of commission if he couldn't get it done in the sack.

The Case Against Her - She is a whore...... Damnit Diva, and they are about as useful as nipples on a man. There is no way she has any major role in a major angle.

The Verdict - Here is what Steam (from Wackbag) had to say on what McCool would teach to her NXT rookie Kaval "First thing you do, hunt down the most overrated wrestler of this and the previous generation, make sure he still has political clout, time it so he's just coming back from one of his numerous vacations, suck his cock, finger his anus, and take his heinous sperm down your throat. You'll be pushed in no time and then you'll be allowed to criticize the work of wrestlers much better than you." Apart from the part where he hates on Taker, I agree with Steam. McCool knows that Taker is her meal ticket and she wouldn't jeopardize her position in the company by taking out Taker. Besides, the bitch don't have no super powers to take out the Deadman.

Suspect - Shawn Michaels
The Case For Him - First of, this gets filed under the Dark Horse category. Second, if there is anyone who has more motivation to permanently end the Deadman's career, we had like to meet them. Perhaps, retirement didn't suit The Heartbreak kid so well, after all this is the same man who constantly needs to steal the spotlight. What better way to waltz back into the limelight than taking out the man who ended out your career? This could all be leading up to Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker at Wrestlemania 27.

The Case Against Him - The more that time passes, the less we hear from or about Michaels and that leads me to believe Michaels when he said he was done for good. I'm sure he might make an appearance here or there, but I don't foresee him being involved in any sort of major angle.

The Verdict - It's a good theory, but I don't see Michaels pulling a Ric Flair and coming out of retirement within the year. At least, I hope he doesn't even if Career vs Career between Shawn Michaels and Undertaker at Wrestlemania 27 sounds like a good idea.

Suspect - NXT 7 or Nexus
The Case for Them - If you have watched WWE programming recently, you know about these guys,. They have attacked John Cena, Vince McMahon and brawled with most of the Raw roster. While they keep on doing the same thing over and over again, these guys appear to be smart. Consequently, they understood that if they had any shot of succeeding in their nefarious plans to acquire WWE contracts, they would have to take out the man who could singlehandedly take out this collection of jobbers and one decent wrestlers. That's right, the Nexus knew that Undertaker would have put an end to their invasion, so they decided to take out Undertaker before their "Invasion" really started.

The Case Against Them - Yeah, no one gives a rat's ass about Smackdown not even the jobbers who could barely get a contract. They haven't made a single appearance on the Blue show and they have no plans to do so either. Also, The Nexus has attacked John Cena and Vince McMahon and done so in front of the entire world. if they had attacked The Undertaker, we have a hard time believing that they would be able to keep it to themselves.

The Verdict - If I hadn't come across a better suspect in our "diligent" research I might have believed that Nexus was responsible for The Phenom's current condition. However, these next two entries on the suspect list saves the the former rookies of NXT.

Suspect - CM Punk
The Case For Him - No one has as much to gain from an injury to Taker than the leader of the SES. Punk didn't have to face the Phenom when he fought for the World Heavyweight Championship at Fatal 4 Way. Furthermore, he gets to avenge his loss to the Deadman from Hell in a Cell. What makes the case against Punk even more damning.....Unlike McCool, the leader of the Straight Edge Society has the means at his disposal to permanently dispose of the Undertaker. The Phenom might have superpowers, but against enough manpower even the Deadman can falter. Punk commands a band of loyal troops in the SES, who are willing to do anything for him, and that includes taking on The Undertaker.

The Case Against Him - Though Punk has a history with The Undertaker, it's not nearly as personal for Punk to put The Undertaker in a vegetative state.

The Verdict - CM and the SES are one of the main suspects in this investigation. However, there is a better suspect even if Kane believes otherwise. Seriously though, Kane has to be worst investigator in history. He doesn't provide any proof or anything, he can just point at people and we are supposed to think they did it. Well, I demand proof!

Suspect #1 - Kane

Known Alias - Glen Jacobs
Relationship to Victim - Half Brother

The Case for Him - Kane might have fooled everyone else with his acting and crocodile tears, but he won't fool the investigative team here (especially after all that diligent research!) at Vintage Blogs! We are well aware of Kane's violent history with his half brother, and we also remember that this mentally unhinged individual possesses some sort of paranormal powers much like victim himself. Whilst the rest of the suspects on our list can claim no such "powers" Kane has demonstrated in the past that he had mastered these supernatural abilities which would allow him to put the man known as Undertake in a vegetative state. If that wasn't enough there is also the possible rekindling of the Kane/Undertaker. It could potentially go two ways: Kane challenges Mysterio and gets a second title reign out of it. Then Kane finally admits that he did it. Subsequently, the Undertaker begins to send messages from beyond the grave ala their feud leading up to WM XX. Finally, we get a showdown between the Kane and Undertaker at hell in a Cell. There is also a chance that there might be a third meeting at Wrestlemania 27 between these two. It's no secret that Taker is getting older and his injuries are beginning to nag him more and more, which leads me to believe that he may be retiring soon. It also isn't a secret that Taker a hard on for his streak, but it's been long rumored that he told Vince that he would let Kane beat him prior to retiring. If the Deadman is truly near the end of his illustrious career then there won't be a better opportunity than this.

The Case Against Him - Kane being revealed as the attacker would ultimately be disappointing but that when has that ever stopped the WWE.

The Verdict - I have very little doubt that Kane will ultimately be outed as the one who put Undertaker in his current"vegetative' state. Here is how I see it developing. Kane has been named as one of the participants in the Smackdown Money in the Bank match. We will probably see Kane being oh so close to grabbing onto the briefcase when suddenly the lights will go out, and you will hear the famous GONG! The Deadman will cost Kane a shot at the title and from there they will either meet in a Casket Match at Summerslam, or at Hell in a Cell at the PPV of the same name.

Thanks for reading!

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Last thing, the sketch above was on DeviantArt and I happened to come across it on Google. Unfortunately, I never got the link so i don't know who the art work belongs to. If you know the person who made, just let me know.


  1. it impossible that all of thede people put taker in a vegitative satate because wwes kane has said his brother kane said taker moved ed and uttered one name rey mysterio.

  2. First, this was originally posted somewhere around the end of June, so I wasn't aware of any of the recent developments.

    Second, this was mostly a speculative, tongue in cheek type of column.

    Third, there is no way it's Rey Mysterio. Rey Rey is too good of a face for the WWE to ruin it by revealing him to be behind the Undertaker's vegetative attack.

    Fourth, Kane will be revealed as the attacker.