Tuesday, April 20, 2010

RAW Recap: Smackdown Erupts

Fun Opening: Triple H came out to announce that the RAW roster is trapped in Europe to the Volcanopalypse. Luckily for us, The Game didn't grace the Europeans with his presence; therefore, he is able to entertain Dirty Jersey with a 20 minute opening speech. Best line- "Sheamus, if you're a bad dude, then I'm deadly." As CM Punk arrives with the Straight Edge Society by his side, Michael Cole informs us that rumors have been swirling regarding Smackdown superstars taking over RAW. That's why the Draft don't matter.
Punk announces that he has two words: "Jersey Sucks." Gold.

After Trips and Punk engage in verbal sparring, Punk asks if Triple H will join the S.E.S. Triple H claims that he prefers freedom, he loves America, etc. Then, The Game graces the Jerseyites with his presence by simultaneously praising/insulting various crowd members about their love of freedom. The mandatory gay joke was employed, a drunk driving joke, and then a subtle joke that appalled me. Triple H walked over to the time keeper's table, where the returning Lillian Garcia was announcing for one night only. Triple H said in America, "Lillian can come to RAW just to horse around." If you didn't pay attention, you would think it was a simple comment. But, knowing Triple H's sense of humor, I believe he was claiming that Lillian looks like a horse. A fuckin horse!? She's one of the hottest women involved in wrestling of all time, and HHH refers to her as a horse? Take a peak at that mule you call a wife, Hunter. Lillian has class, no wonder she left WWE.

So Triple H wonders why Punk has a head full of hair while his followers are shaved. Punk responds by claiming that his hair is "pure." Now I also have long hair, but Punk's hair drips grease like a Pizza Hut pepperoni pie. The S.E.S. attack Triple H, and prepare to shave the "Cerebral Assassin" bald, but Rey Mysterio emerges to save The Game. Mysterio turns the tables on Punk by snipping some strands off his dome. The funniest part of this whole shebang...Punk swung the buzzer at Mysterio like a punch. Now that's hardcore!

Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy
- No entrances necessary. Story of the match was Drew working on Hardy's skull. Short match but fun while it lasted. Drew won by yanking Hardy off 2nd rope and pinning the dizzy Hardy brother. (No, not Jeff.) Using the dangers of concussions as the story of a match is a smart strategy in 2010 due to the realism and history of head injuries in wrestling.

Winner- Drew McIntyre

McIntyre is referred to as "The Chosen One." How ironic is it that Jeff Jarrett was originally "The Chosen One?"

Editor's note - This is the true "Chosen One"

John Cena appeared via satellite and claimed that he will swim across the Atlantic Ocean in order to fight Batista at Extreme Rules. Although he's a "marine," I doubt Cena has that much "hustle."

Draft buildup. Still doesn't matter. Either keep the rosters apart or don't bring back the draft. You can't have both!

KFC Double Down- Holy Shit!

Vladimir Kozlov comes out and demands that Jerry Lawler read Kozlov's personal statement. "The King" was sporting a hideous, bright yellow shirt that blinded by screen. Call Rico for some fashion tips!

The "personal statement" is probably a list of the Smackdown wrestlers so King will be prepared for the night.

MacGruber arrives as Will Forte and Kristen Wiig from Saturday Night Live fulfill their Guest Host obligations. Kozlov is a "giant pile of suck." "The darkest, most depressing place in the world isn't Jersey, it's Mrs. Kozlov's uterus." Wow. Thats a good one. SNL will never fail me!
R-Truth then came out to blow up. Atleast Undertaker didn't catch on fire only 2 months ago...

Meanwhile on TNA, RVD vs. A.J. Styles for the TNA Championship. RVD vs. Styles...Dream Match...On Free TV. I miss WCW.

Orton says he simply will win the World Heavyweight Championship Sunday.

WWE's most neutered wrestler since Ric Flair, Jack Swagger, arrives in boring fashion. Man, WWE killed him. He has no personality, no individuality, no interest. I was a huge fan of his, but I can't support this melodramatic version. Unbelieveably, winning the World Heavyweight Championship killed his career.

Jack Swagger vs Undertaker - Swagger issued open challenge and the answer came from...Undertaker. Whoa! Big surprise that shook up the show. Good match that displayed Swagger's tenacity and Taker's popularity in Jersey. The King actually did an effective job in restoring credibility to the World Heavyweight Championship by stating that "it is the last thing Swagger thinks about when he goes to bed, and the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up in the morning." VINTAGE UNDERTAKER! Fuck you Cole. Taker actually unleashed a snap suplex as well. Taker won with the Tombstone which prompted Cole to shout "Jimmy Hoffa's not the only body buried in the Meadowlands!" Michael Cole has VINTAGE JOKES!

Winner- The Undertaker

I wonder will anybody lose to Undertaker now? Seriously, I don't think that he can be pinned at this point in his career. How can anyone justify pinning the man who retired Shawn Michaels?

Main Event: Triple H, Rey Mysterio, & Edge defeated CM Punk, Chris Jericho, & Luke Gallows
Fun match, unfortunately Punk took the pin.

Overall, I felt it was a lackluster show. However, atleast we had a show. Obviously, the WWE can't control Mother Nature, so they did a good job playing defense.

1 comment:

  1. Lillian does look like a horse though. Don't get me wrong, I would still love to do awful (by awful I mean sexual) things to her, but she a little bit of the Horseface going on.