Only 2 weeks away from the Grandest Stage of them All, the road to Wrestlemania made a stop in Seattle, Washington for Friday Night Smackdown.
The show opens with Rey Mysterio coming to the ring accompanied by his wife and kids. Wow, they are really Nikki and Pauloing (Lost reference), Rey's family into this feud. However, that doesn't matter because Ladies and Gentleman, it's the return of Dominique. Yes!!! I now have my dream match for Wrestlemania. They need to Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk, in a ladder match, for Dominique's custody. Anyway, Rey comes down to the ring panders to the hypocrites in the crowd. He also mentions that it's his daughter's (Aaliyah) birthday. He asks the WWE Universe (yuck) to join him in wishing Happy Birthday to his daughter. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think a wrestling ring is the safest or most appropriate place to wish Happy Birthday to your 9 year old daughter. Thankfully, CM Punk comes out to interrupt. I swear to God if Punk comes out and claims that Dominique is his child, I would totally mark out.
Warning, if my "verbal masturbation to CM Punk" (as John so eloquently put) offends you, this would be the time to skip down, because there is a lot of it coming.
Punk came out with the beautiful Serena and sober Luke Gallows in tow. He assured Mysterio that he didn't need to stop. In fact, he sang "Happy birthday" in such a creepy manner that it would do the pedophile from The Lovely Bones proud. The Pastor of Purity assured Rey Rey that he wasn't out there to harm his family, he just wants a match with Rey at Mania and tonight. Mysterio showed much pussiness as he declined the invitation with a shitty excuse "this ain't the time". I feel vindicated as it's proven that the ring is a bad place to wish Happy Birthday. Unfettered, Punk decided to give “sweet, innocent little Aaliyah” a present. See, Punk isn’t that bad after all. The Second City Saint’s birthday present turns out to be “As my birthday present to you, I'll let you shut your eyes while I reduce your daddy to tears and make him beg for my mercy." Aright, maybe he is not the greatest human being; he is still my savior though. Oh shit, he isn’t done. He tells Dominique that his father has always been a coward and Punk was going to show him when he makes his father squeal in front of him like a pig. Alright, this is getting heinous; I draw the line at making fun of Eddie’s corpse. Wait…….. he is talking about Rey? Proceed. Punk calls Angie (Rey’s wife) beautiful (not true) voluptuous (true) and tells her that she was always knew that Mysterio is a coward and now the two of them were going to share the worst of times courtesy of Punk. At this point, I might or might not have been drooling like a fan girl. Punk continues his tirade by bringing it back to sweet, innocent, little Aaliyah and tells her that for her 9th birthday, she was going to find out that her dad is a coward. Mysterio continued prove that he is a pussy by not responding, though he acted mad. Punk refused to stop and asked where Rey Mysterio “the giant killer” and “the underdog” was. Punk even “dropped to Mysterio’s level” by getting down on both knees. Mysterio still refused to fight, and Punk slapped the taste out of his mouth. As Rey and his Familia left the ring, Punk eerily sang Happy Birthday as Aaliyah cried.
For those of you who haven’t seen this excellent segment. Watch it!
I consider myself to be a pretty cold hearted bastard, but even I was cringing at Punk's promo. The sheer menace he had in his voice was absolutely awe inspiring. Jericho needs to watch out because Punk is making a bid at the "best in the world at what he does". If the WWE ever decides to push the SES as a legitimate stable ala Evolution, and puts the strap on Punk, he will book his WWE HOF ticket.
End of verbal masturbation
R=Truth w David Otunga faced The Miz w Bryan Danielson - Wasn’t really a good match, the Lie Detector is a terrible finishing move. However, it did progress the storyline of Miz and Danielson as the latter pushes his mentor’s feet off the rope and ends up costing the match. The crowd popped when Danielson did that, so they are managing to get Danielson over.
Winner – R-Truth via shitty Lie Detector
Apparently, Drew McIntyre had his loss expunged again and then squashed some random jobber to earn his way into the MITB. If this boring Jizzbucket wins the MITB, I will be fucking pissed.
Big Show faced John Morrison – Basically, this seemed like a squash match as Show dominated most of he match. Eventually, Morrison did mount a minuscule come back, but he failed.
Winner – Show via Knockout Punch
The Hart Dynasty faced Cryme Tyme – It barely lasted a minute before Undertaker came out and buried both those tag teams. I don’t mean Taker’s gimmick buried them. No, this was a veteran just burying two tag teams to display his finishing move arsenal.
Result – Double DQ
A women’s wrestling took place, I couldn’t have cared less. As soon as Beth Phoenix came out to save Tiffany from a beatdown at Michelle McCool’s hands, I was somewhat interested. I like what they are doing with her.
Kane faced Luke Gallows – Both these guys are good workers especially when their size is accounted for, but this wasn’t really a good match. It was slow and and generic. The best part was Striker subtly throwing a reference to the Fake Kane, who was played by Luke Gallows. The line was “these two men are mirror images of each other”. Subtle, and that’s not often associated with Strike, but I enjoyed the reference.
Winner - Kane via DQ
The Highlight Reel returned with Edge as the guest. Pretty good segment though the constant screaming of “SPEAR, SPEAR, SPEAR” killed any true momentum in the segment. It was nice to see Jericho finally get one over on Edge as he hit him with the World Heavyweight Title as Edge attempted to do a spear.
All in all, it was a pretty mediocre Smackdown. I know this show is capable of a lot more especially on route to Wrestlemania.